I’ve come to the realization that I am, in fact, an online dating window shopper. I log on, do a search and after a few horrific moments run for the hills. I completely understand that people don’t meet the way they used to years ago.
There are rarely those magic moments at Starbucks.
It’s safe to say that I probably wont be bumped into by a Ryan Goslin look-alike while carrying a stack of papers.
Lastly, I am willing to pay any amount of money that I won’t be in one corner of a crowded room while Prince Charming is on the other. Our eyes will probably not meet, as Etta James’ ‘At Last” plays in the background.
With this acceptance, I’ve tried online dating more than I’d care to admit.
Now, previously I posted about “deal breakers” when it comes to relationships and face to face meetings. However, in a world where technology is an obsession, I think it’s important to have a few “deal breakers” for the online world as well.
Dear Potential Suitors From The Online World,
1. I do not know you. You could step on my toe and I still wouldn’t know you from Adam. With that said, WHY ON EARTH would you take pictures without your shirt? Would you approach me at a bar like that? Are you so poor that you can’t afford a shirt? I’m a bit confused. Sir, if you think your 6 pack makes me want to hump my computer screen you should just hang yourself now.
2. Posting pictures on a dating profile is hard work. Every picture says something about you. Want to know what that picture of you, taking a picture of yourself, in the bathroom mirror says? “I don’t go out so I don’t have pictures of myself.” “I have no friends so they can’t take pictures of me.” Therefore, if I see the famous “bathroom mirror picture” I am going to assume you will be a needy workaholic that I am going to end up regretting. You and Mr. No Shirt Guy should grab a beer sometime.
3. Please don’t write “I work hard and play hard” ANYWHERE on your profile. If you really had a balance, you wouldn’t have to say you have a balance. Plus, it really makes you sound like a jerk.
4. On OkCupid there is a portion of the profile where you have to list 6 things that you couldn’t live without. The moment I read “sex” listed I’m immediately turned off. I automatically assume you are a male whore and herpes is not on my list of things I want before turning 30.
5. I’m pretty sure that I didn’t ask for a 12-year-old in my search options. Why exactly are you pushing 30 and yet you’re wearing a side ways hat, pants down your ass and making the peace sign?
6. No member of the male Jersey Shore cast should be your hero and, therefore, you shouldn’t resemble them with your waxed eyebrows and oompa loompa color.
7. Yes, everyone has check lists but can we refrain from saying things like “If you aren’t a size four or under, save yourself some time and don’t bother to email me.”?
If you can give advice to the boys of the online world, what would it be?